Brown
by KenClauds
Summary: Updated and Finished, I think Mimi just talking about life... and comm'on, I know there's stuff wrong with it. Flame me, flame meeeee!


Brown

By M.C. Martin

"I hope this works…" The camcorder flickered on with 6/23 on the bottom of the screen, the red recording light blinking as it focused on an empty couch about three feet in front of it. Brown and yellow plaid, ugly, tattered; it looked like it had been pulled out of a dumpster and dragged up thirteen flights of stairs. Hell, it probably had. A second later, a skinny, rather, emaciated, brunette plopped on the sofa with a thud, causing a cloud of dust to come out of the cushions.

She pushed unruly curls out of her eyes and smiled. Her teeth were straight and bright against her light mocha skin. "I saw this on a movie once. It was about Marilyn Monroe, and I know I'm not her, but, I thought, why not? I'm interesting enough…" She pushed her sleeves up her arms and folded her legs underneath her. "Sorry, Mark, but this is the only camera I could find that I could figure out how to use." She pushed her hair back behind her ears again. "I'm no Marilyn, but we have the same initials. Name's Mimi. I've got more in common with her than the name thing. We like the same drugs.

"And I'm dying." She shook her head. "Why am I doing this? It's just gonna hurt more in the end…" She stood up and walked over to the camera, blocking the lens as she flicked it off.

***

7/16… "I'm gonna try this again…" When the camera focused, the brunette was siting cross-legged on what appeared to be a fire escape. She leaned back against the railing. "Mimi Marquez, take two." Her hair was back in pig tails this time and she wore a tank top and jeans. She looked up at the sky. "My birthday's in ten days, I'm gonna be 21. Honest."

She inhaled deeply. "Should I start with now, or then? I can't remember how they did it in that movie. I guess now, then then, then now again? I'm 20 years old, I'm dying, I need a cigarette…" She bent over, reaching past the camera and picked up a pack of Dar-Jaam specials, pulled one out, and lit it. "There, that's better…"

She took a long drag off the cigarette and then set it on the grid beside her leg. "I've always lived in New York. I grew up in the center of Hell's Kitchen with my mama and my sisters. My father came around when he felt like it. Well, the guy Mama said was my father. I'm the youngest of four; Eva, Esperenza, Mayra, and me, Mimi. When I was born, Mama was always wrapped up trying to get 'Sperenza and Mayra out of some sort of trouble, and I fell in the cracks. Eva took care of me most of the time, but she was gone before I was very old; she had a baby of her own when I was three." She took another drag.

"Mama never meant to ignore me, it just happened. She sent me to good schools and to ballet academy and everything, but I guess I was just not meant to do any of that shit. Before having any of us, Mama was a dancer, and she wanted at least one of us to be like her. Well, I guess I kinda am, I dance, just not in the same way…" She shifted around in her seat, moving so her legs were dangling of the edge of the platform. "When I was seven, 'daddy' moved back in. God, he had big hands…" she commented, staring down at her own small ones. "When he'd hit Mama, the bruises would be in the shape of his hands… They covered half her face…" She looked out over the bars, putting her cigarette back in her mouth.

"He stayed until I was fourteen. 'Sperenza moved out when I was ten, Mayra hung around for a few years longer, but by my fourteenth birthday, it was just me, Mama, and the man. Back then, I tried to be good. I wanted to be a ballet dancer; I was going to audition for the ABA that fall. Everyone thought I would make it, god, I loved dancing. My fourteenth birthday changed everything."

She paused for a few minutes and continued to stare out silently, thinking hard. She turned back to the camera, wiping a few tears from her face absently. "Mama kicked him out after the 'incident'. I think she always blamed me, deep inside, but she never said it…" She swallowed hard. "Mama never liked to talk about it. She pretended it never happened. Maybe I should have tried to do that, but it happened to me; it's a little harder to do that, you know?"

Her hands shook, and she looked down at them as she continued to speak. "It was two days before I turned 14. July 24, 1989, 6:30 p.m. God, that summer was hot. I'd been out running around all day; some of the kids down the street had pried open a fire hydrant. I was sopping wet and Mama was not pleased. She hated it when I ran with those kids, she was always afraid I'd hurt myself, or get in trouble with the cops. She didn't want anything to come between me and dancing. She was actually proud of me, she once told me she thought I'd be her only daughter who got out of her teens without having a kid…

"When I got home, it was obvious that they'd been fighting. Mama was crying; she had a huge knot on her forehead. He wasn't anywhere around. God, I wanted to kill him." She picked up her discarded cigarette and took a slow drag, then flicked the butt over the railing. "It would have been funny, ya know? Me, 5'1, not even a hundred pounds, going up against a guy nearly three times my size. I just wanted to knock him out a window. My mama was such a beautiful person, she didn't deserve that. I got her into bed, and then I went to the bathroom. I was still in my wet clothes; my hair was hanging limp down my back. I stripped and grabbed a towel, I was 13, I was alone, I didn't think there was anything wrong with it. I should'a known better, I never bothered to lock up any of the doors.

"I heard the front door slam open, hitting the wall hard. He was stumbling around, he was drunk on God only knows what. I was so scared, I didn't want him to hurt Mama again. Well, he didn't hurt her…" She started to twirl her fingers as she closed her eyes. "I know it's supposed to hurt the first time, but I didn't think it would be that bad." She batted at her cheek as a tear rolled down from her clenched shut eyes. "For my fourteenth birthday, Mama gave me a gold locket her father had given her when she left Puerto Rico. My 'father' taught me the only think I'd ever be good for was lying on my back."

She shook her head. "I never tried out for ABA; after that, I never danced like that again. I still haven't. My heart wasn't in it. I always thought ballerinas were the most beautiful things in the world. After he did that to me, I wasn't beautiful anymore; I'll never be beautiful thanks to him." She frowned as she cast her eyes down. "Mama sent me to Cathedral, the strictest girl's school on the East Side. They preach and preach at you about the love of God and how He protects His children, but, you know what? There's no God in Hell's Kitchen. Where's their great and passionate God when half the men in your building come home and beat their wives bloody every night after work? Where's this God when a kid is getting raped in her shower by her own fucking father? Is he too busy uptown comforting some puta when she breaks a nail pulling out credit cards at Saks to help somebody that actually needs him?

"I had always tried so hard not to be as wild as my sisters, and in one night, being good stopped looking so important. Nothing was important anymore. I'd always topped them before; I was a better dancer, I did better in school, and Goddamn it, I was gonna be better at partying than them. By the time I was 15, I was going to bars with 'Sperenza, sneaking into clubs with Mayra. It broke my mother's heart, seeing me drunk and high…" She bit her lip. "She threw me out of the house before I was 16. Tough love, I guess. She'd been there through everything, but when I got kicked out of school, she couldn't do it anymore.

"I'd finally gone farther than Eva, or Mayra, or even 'Sperenza ever did. I got caught at Boys' Latin across town, fucking in the confessional and drunk off the sacramental wine." She looked I n the window. "Roger's home, I'll do this later…" She climbed in the window and turned off the camera.

***

7/20… It was dark in the room, and the camera panned around quickly, facing the brunette again, only a few inches from her face. "I asked Mark if I could use the camera… He actually said yes, I'm surprised," she whispered. "It's like 4 a.m., I'm the only one up." The camera turned around and zoomed in on a man sleeping on a mattress a few feet away. "That's Roger… He'd kill me if I did this while he was awake, he hates his picture. He thinks he's ugly or something. He's not, he's wonderful; he's the only thing I've got anymore." The focus remained on the man a moment longer. He looked tall and lanky, with well-toned arms. His hair was dark blonde and slightly mused; he slept with a small smile on his face, a dimple on his cheek. He rolled over, rubbing his stomach and mumbling something unintelligible as he continued to sleep. "Sometimes I just like watching him sleep; he looks healthy, he looks happy… I wonder if he ever sits up and watches me, I wonder if I look healthy when I sleep."

The camera turned around to face her. She leaned over it and it closed in on her chest as she put it on the tripod again. She sat back down about a foot away and ran her hands through her hair. Softly, she began. "Sometimes I wonder if he trusts me, if he ever will. I made mistakes, yeah, but I'm not doing it anymore. I want to make him happy while I'm still here, instead of making him sad like he used to be." She looked past the camera, to the sleeping man. "Mark once called me Roger's may flower; I don't really know what that means. It was one time after we 'broke up', for good that time." She grinned, rolling her eyes slightly. "He thought I was with Benny again or something, I don't remember; Mark found me out on the stoop in hysterics and I guess Roger wasn't doing too well up here. Probably breaking every dish they had left again… He just leaned over and hugged me and said something like, 'It'll all work out in the end. Just cool down; he knows you didn't do it, he's just mad. He needs you, you're his may flower…' I'm not too good with that cryptic crap, I dunno, maybe it has to do with Roger's ex; she and Mark were close at the end… But I'm jumping ahead; I haven't even met these people yet.

"I got kicked out of school in the middle of my sophomore year. That guy, God, I don't even remember his name, he only got a slap on the wrist. Mama couldn't look at me when I came home. She handed me a bag and went into her room, sobbing. I started hating myself at that moment, really hating myself. More than I had before when I felt worthless and cheap and ugly. I'd hurt the only person who ever really cared about me." She shrugged, looking down. "Maybe that's what I'm really good at, hurting the people who care about me. Mama, Roger…

"I'd been into drugs for a while before I moved out. Nothing serious, just pot with friends or some coke now and again behind the school. They seemed to be my only comfort afterwards. I drifted back and forth between friends and my sisters for a while, but I had to get out of there. I didn't want to be a 'working girl' in the Kitchen; people died young doing that there, whether the beatings came from their pimps or from the jealous wives of the neighbourhood. So I went downtown; I dabbled in anything I found. I developed a liking for smack, blow, horse, heroin, whatever you want to call it. A strong liking. It helped that the dealer thought I was cute, I could get it for cheap. Or free, but I'm not proud of that. I don't wanna talk about that. I need a cigarette…" The camera flickered off again, fading to black.

***

7/20… The room was brighter when the camera came back to life. The man was gone from the bed, but the girl sat there, wrapped in a blanket with bags under her eyes. "I feel like crap," she muttered. "I better finish this soon, I don't know if I'll be feeling better anytime in the for-see-able future. I keep trying to figure out why I'm doing this. I guess so they don't forget me, so I can say how much they mean to me, so Roger knows how much I love him once I'm… Fuck, I don't wanna talk like that."

She reached over to turn off the camera, but stopped as a fit of coughing racked her small frame. "God, I don't want him to remember me like this… I should turn you off, but I gotta finish now that I've started. I'm a stubborn fuck, I've always been like this." She smiled slightly, then reached across the bed to grab a cup of water. Before continuing, she took a sip of water to clear her throat, pausing in thought for a minute. "I'm not proud of what I did to support myself when I was living on the streets then. But it got me drugs, spare change, and somewhere to sleep; all the things that mattered. Sooner than later, the man got tired of me… Funny, isn't it? All the bad guys in my life are called 'the man'. I call him the man, I called my father the man…

"Anyways," she continued, shaking her head as if to clear her thoughts, "anyways, he got tired of me. He stopped giving me freebies whenever I asked, he wouldn't let me sleep in his house anymore. I needed a job. I was 16, a high school dropout, and a failure… I sold everything I had of worth, I pawned my mother's locket… I wish I hadn't done that. There's not much an underage drug addict can do for work around the city that makes enough for housing and drugs, drugs, of course, being much more important than a roof over my head. At least, nothing that won't land your ass in jail three out of seven nights a week. So I lied. I found a strip club in the village that was hiring. I told them I was 18. I danced; 10 years of ballet training finally turned useful. I got the job. Almost $400 a night, plenty for smack, and maybe a hotel room or something. Maybe I could even make enough for a steady rent and to help Mama out with her bills." She shrugged. "After drugs, I had like 700 a week…

"I was there a few weeks before I met Benny. Roger hates that I talk about him. But he was part of my life, and I want Roger to know what really happened, not what he thinks did. If I hadn't met Benny, I'd never have met Roger, so it's a good thing I was with Benny, right?' She started coughing again. Rubbing her nose, she sighed. "I hate colds… Someday one's gonna kill me; not yet though." She smiled a little. "Benny… Benny was complicated. Benny was only dating Alison when we met. Like I said, it was a few weeks into the dancing thing; it seemed almost every night during my second set this well built black guy about college age pushed his way to the front tables. Sometimes he'd bring his friends, but most of the time he came alone. A couple times he even brought Roger, but he was dating her at the time… Anyway, Benny was a great tipper. And a great…. Nevermind that."

She closed her eyes for a minute. "I didn't know he'd gotten engaged, or married, or anything like that. Hell, he told me they weren't even dating exclusively." She blinked, looking up at the camera again. "All he ever said was he knew somewhere that I could stay, that there was a place for rent in his old building. He never told me he owned the damn place. He told me I didn't have to worry about the rent or anything until I was 'on my feet'. He bought me all my furniture, stocked the fridge…" She took a sip of water. "It took me a while to figure out why he wouldn't stay all night. And then I saw the announcement for the gala anniversary party in the paper. That hurt. This guy had been telling me how much he loved me for a year… and he was married? Was he telling her the same thing?

"I should have told her; I should have broken it off. But I didn't. It was stupid, I know, but I thought if I told him to fuck off, he'd kick me out and I'd be back on the streets in a heartbeat. It didn't matter that he lied to me about caring; I was used to that, I got over it. I had my drugs; they had always been there before, they'd still be there now. Great friends they turned out to be.

"I had been getting sick a lot by then… I woke up in cold sweats, I was losing weight, throwing up, just sick constantly. Some days I couldn't even stand up for long enough to walk around my bedroom, let alone go to work and dance. I thought I was pregnant. I was terrified to go to the doctor, but I needed to know. I asked some of the girls at work if they knew anywhere I could go that was cheap, and they sent me to the local free clinic."

She stopped for a minute, wrapping herself in the blanket a little tighter. "It was the April before I turned 18. I remember sitting in the waiting room for my results about a month after they'd taken my blood and done all that other crap. It was 'procedural' to test junkies for everything, they said. God, AIDS was the last thing on my mind. I thought I was gonna have a kid, not die while I still was one. I sat in that sterile room for what seemed like forever, reading an old EW or Cosmo or something like that, trying to think of what name would be good for little Bastard Marquez. I'd sat down next to a girl not much older than me, and I guess we looked alike, I didn't really pay attention. They called her in before me, and a guy across from me said he thought it was nice of me to be there for my sister, said he had a camera back at his place and a room with great lighting and wondered if afterwards, we might be willing to… Well, you get the picture. They called me in before I could kick his ass; I didn't see her come back out, and frankly, it was the last thing on my mind.

"I will never forget the way my stomach dropped when the doctor told me. I didn't want to die, they had to be mistaken. I wasn't even old enough to legally dance for a living, I couldn't die yet! As I sat in that office, I just wanted to run out and get high and pretend that this wasn't happening to me. I wanted to die then, not wait five or ten years to do so. Never in my life had I wanted anything less than to keep living, to keep having fun. Mimi del Rosaria Marquez, her Mama's golden child, the one that could laugh off anything wanted to die, fast. I didn't even want to die when my father raped me, but I was… I don't know, it's stupid that I ever thought of that.

"The doctor put me on a score of pills and they tried to get me into rehab. I said I didn't have a problem, I lied… They knew I lied, they couldn't do anything about it. No one could force me into rehab. They gave me a schedule of support group meetings. I guess that's standard. I stuffed it in my pocket on the way home. Then, I popped my proteaze inhibitors and promptly shot up."

She licked her chapped lips, running a shaky hand through her hair. "I had no idea what happened up here that night. I found out about it a year and a half later. I didn't know that the girl from the clinic who they all said looked like me lived in this building, didn't know she used to be one of Benny's roommates, didn't know they had screwed around on occasion. I slept through the sirens and the commotion; slept, passed out, whatever. Benny hadn't wanted me to meet the other people in the building. He was probably scared they'd tell Alison about me." She smirked. "Would'a served him right if they had told her.

"I did a lot of wandering that year; wandering, drugs, thinking, lots of things. I went back to my mother's house for the first time in two years. I made her cry again; it's a hard thing to know that you're baby is dying. I wish I had just been pregnant. But we were talking again. Her landlord was trying to kick her out of the house; I started sending her all the money I could to make sure he didn't. I love my mama, I never wanted to hurt her.

"I tried hard, really hard, not to use so much. I cut myself back from a $1400 a week habit to only about $800. I know, it's a lot, but still… I wouldn't go into rehab, but I started to do the support group thing on occasion. Met some interesting people there. Met Angel there. God, I miss her. She was my best friend for a while there. I think she was everyone's best friend. She, he, whatever. She helped me a lot; without her, I think I'd be dead right now." She closed her eyes, wiping at her cheeks. "I don't wanna talk about this. I wanna go to sleep…" The camera clicked off as she reached across the lens and pushed the power button.

***

7/26… The room was dark again when the camera started to focus. It was again in the bedroom where it had been earlier. The view panned the room; surrounding the bed were dozens of candles of varying heights. At one end of the bed stood a tall bottle of dark wine and two glasses. The camera spun around on the tripod to find the brunette kneeling in front of it with a wide grin across her face.

"Isn't this hot? It's my birthday, finally. I love this room, Mark did it. Crazy, no? He said he wanted to make sure the lighting was right. Part of my present from him; he's spending the night somewhere else, too. Roger's in the bathroom now. Look what he gave me." She scooted closer to the camera lens, holding up a silver necklace with various shades of red stones hanging on it in a thin triangle pattern. "It's rubies or something. I don't know if they're real or not, and I don't care. I love it anyway. I think he ganked it from that hot vintage store down in So Ho. I remember showing it to him in the window a while back." She backed away, grinning.

"They took me out to Spa and didn't have to sneak me in for once!" She laughed lightly. "So fun! Ok, I know this is an awkward place to break, but, hey, it's my movie. I can do what I want! Ok, Roge, this is the part where you fast forward for an hour or so if you're watching this with someone else." She grinned wickedly. "Love you guys and all, but…" She stuck out her tongue. "K, Roger, fast forward now."

She shifted slightly in her seat, looking at the door. "You'll be back in a second, so I'll make this quick. I love you so much, Roger. You know that, right? Even though I didn't want to get married last Easter…" She started to fidget with her hands. "This is how I want you to remember me, not sick like I've been the last couple a days. You're coming…" She hopped up and pushed the camera back a little in the open closet, making sure it was not noticeable. 

She walked over to the window, hoping up on the ledge and looking out. She was wearing black leather pants and a tight silver tank top with a lace up back. The door opened and a pair of slightly thin legs clad in red plaid bondage pants walked by the camera and over to her. It was the sleeping man from earlier; he leaned down over her shoulder, kissing her neck lightly as he ran his hands along her side. "I love you," he murmured, barely audible to the camera. "Happy birthday, baby."

Smiling, she turned around, dangling her legs off the ledge. She wrapped her arms around his neck and slid down from her perch, kissing him as her fingers twirled absently in his hair. She pulled back an inch; he towered over her by almost a foot. She giggled low in her throat as he bent down again, brushing his lips against her neck. Pulling her by the hands, he led her over to the bed, sitting down first and then maneuvering her so she could sit down on his lap, one leg on either side of him. She started laughing as he leaned in again, whispering something into her ear as he grazed her neck with his lips. Before long, his hands had moved up from her waist and started stroking her back under her shirt, callused fingers deftly untying the laces that held it on.

For a while, they just sat there, she on his lap and he tickling her skin with his long fingers, and they spoke in soft voices, a little too soft for the camera to pick up anything more than murmuring and the occasional laughter. A few moments later, she shifted in his arms and unbuttoned his shirt, pushing it down over his arms as she started to kiss around the base of his throat and slowly down his chest. He grinned, laughing slightly, then turned her over, flopping her onto the bed and pinning her down with his body.

He held himself up a few inches above her with one hand as the other slid slowly up and down her side. Grinning, he leaned over and began to kiss her playfully. His hand moved from her side and started flicking open the buttons on her skin-tight pants, sliding into them once they were open far enough. Laughing, he lipped at her neck as he pushed her pants down farther. "Gonna... make you... melt," he mumbled into her hair before sliding slowly down her stomach. She tried to sit up, but he grabbed at her arms, forcing her down again as he kissed and sucked patterns along her stomach. His tongue flicked lightly against her belly ring, fingers following the pattern of the tattoo that surrounded her navel. Resting a hand on either side of her waist, he grinned up at her with a mischievous glint in his eyes. She could not help but laugh at how cute he looked, how much he looked like a five-year old about to stick a worm in his older sister's lunch box. Her laughter did not last for long as he continued moving down over her, mouth never leaving her skin. Fingers digging into her thighs, he stopped his downward trek to drive her completely crazy.

She arched her back a bit as her fingers found his head and became tangled in his short hair. For a few minutes, her mouth opened and closed wordlessly, the only sound her low moans and an occasional squeal. Her legs had wrapped around his back and her heels pushed into him hard, causing him to groan against her. When her head fell back against the pillow and the moaning had subsided, he began to kiss up her stomach again, the grin on his face still as mischievous as before. He kissed her hard on the mouth once he found it and his hands ran up and down her thighs as he pushed them to wrap around his waist. He started to whisper into her hair again as he pushed himself against her, causing her to scream out again…

The pair lay twined together underneath a thin sheet, and he ran his hands over her arms lightly, murmuring into her thick, disheveled hair. Her chest rose and fell heavily as she swirled her fingers along the top of his chest. They lay there intertwined and whispering as the camera ran out of tape…

***

8/13… As the camera flicked on, it focused on the brunette sitting a few feet in front of it, cross-legged and blushing slightly. "That was a little hotter than I remembered," she mumbled, pushing her hair behind her ears as she blushed harder. "I'm feeling a lot better this week, my fever's been gone for like two weeks now." She ran her fingers along her necklace lightly. "I'm trying to remember what I was talking about before. The last part kinda… distracted me a bit." She grinned lopsidedly. "I didn't think you needed like four hours of me sleeping, so I'm taping over that… Oh yeah, I was talking about Angel…

"Angel Dumont Schunard… Her real name was like Angelos or something. I met her before everyone else ever did, at one of the first support meetings I went to. One of the only ones I ever went to; the people there didn't like druggies very much, they thought it was redundant that someone who was still killing themselves was looking for help in regaining their lives." She shrugged lightly. "Angel wasn't like that, though. She actually welcomed me and made me feel like I wasn't a piece of shit. She was living in Tompkin's Park then, playing the drums and dancing to make spare change. I used to try to get her to stay here, but she said it killed her to see me destroy myself. Sometimes, though, when it was real cold or rainy, she'd crash on the couch for a few days; God, that boy could cook. I'd always wake up to her managing to make the crap I kept around here into something edible and delicious. When we met, she'd had full-blown AIDS for two years; she was only 18… That scares me so much, I'm still not full blown yet… She'd gotten it from a boyfriend back home, before she'd run away. Well, run away, driven out of town… Same thing. She was living on the streets while I was still dreaming of ballet schools. 

"Angel absolutely hated Benny sometimes. She hated the way he just used me when he wanted, and how I'd get when he'd ignore me for a couple of weeks. I would get so fucked up, and Angel would come and find me and barricade me in my room until the worst of the cravings would pass. Even when I would throw things, and scream at her, she'd stay until I'd passed out from exhaustion and watch me to make sure I didn't swallow my tongue or anything. She always knew when I needed her… But then she died… And I was fighting with Roger… And I needed her so much." She swallowed hard. "I've cried enough in this God damned thing, I'm not going to now.

"I know she had to die, I know she's better off not having to be around and suffering and all that shit, but I still miss her. Sometimes, when Roge and I have a fight or something, I still wish she was around to convince me it'll be ok in the morning. I remember," she laughed slightly, "I remember this one time when she and I had decided to check out this new bar over on 24th. It was right before Easter and Roger had moved all his stuff from my place back to the loft, so she decided to make me get my mind off it without allowing me to alter my state of mind. I was wearing, god I don't remember, it was skintight if that makes any difference and she had gone all out. Blonde wig, stiletto pumps, mini white and pink fur Easter bunny dress, complete with tail, and these huge, ridiculous fur ears that she glued to one of my headbands. This complete asshole behind us in line slides up and grabs us both on the ass and says something completely stupid like 'You bunnies wanna help me find my eggs tonight?'. Angel just spun around and lifted up her skirt and snapped back with, 'Only if you'll help hatch mine first', and she was butt ass naked underneath that skirt. I thought the guy would keel over right there 'cause he'd just felt up a guy that was probably hung better than he. Needless to say, we didn't get harassed by any wanna-be someone they're not jack offs that night…" She kept smiling for a minute, looking down at her lap, but when she looked back up, tears were streaming down her cheeks. "God, I miss her… I don't have anyone I can do things like that with anymore… 

"There I go, jumping ahead again." She stopped and licked her lips for a second, lost in thought. "Angel, I loved her. That's all I can say about her. That's all I need to say about her." She looked back up at the camera and gave a weak grin. "Tom, if you're ever around to watch this… If it hadn't been for you, she'd have given up so easily at the end. Before then, I honestly didn't think she'd have made it much past that first Christmas when we met you guys. I don't know if you ever knew that, but you gave her something to live for again. After that incident at the rally…" She shook her head and for a moment, her face was engulfed in glittery chocolate curls. "I'm not getting into that. It'll make me cry more and I want to be smiling on this thing for a while.

"I'm gonna jump ahead. I'm tired of the past, I'm tired of thinking about it all." Her fingers found her way to her necklace again and the lazy digits caressed it lovingly. "The week before I met you Roger… you all… was one of the worst I'd ever had. I really had caught a cold, I wasn't lying to you that night! I'd been trying to get over it while dancing six nights a week and that on top of everything else was hell. And then Alison cut off the head… And then I stumbled in here… Into you…"

For the first time, a truly happy smile spread across her features, brightening up her whole face and adding a light to her eyes. "You saved me. From my vices, from myself… And I know you think I was always cheating… But I wasn't." She sighed softly. "That first night, when you kicked me out… I don't know. I don't know why it hurt so much, it was hardly the first time I've been rejected but… It was different. And when you found me and we went to dinner… And when we came back here…" She glared sharply at he camera. "And I know what every last one of you is thinking. And what you all teased Roger about and thank you very much but we did not go home and have sex. We kissed… Ok, we kissed a lot… And there was some heavy petting…" She grinned again. "But we didn't have sex. We talked a lot, damn it, and we tried to stay warm. God sake, it was like 20 degrees out here that night; it was too damned cold on the fire escape to drop my pants!"

*** 

8/28… "I keep watching this over and over again and I don't know what to talk about anymore," she commented, shifting around on the couch. "I mean, I've talked about when I was a kid, when I got AIDS… When I met all of you guys…" She shrugged slightly, looking down at her hands. "I mean, you know about everything else, basically… You were all around through everything else… Well, except when Roger was in Santa Fe and all, but basically, yeah, that's all I gotta say."

She kept looking at her hands. "I mean, all I did was run away and get fucked up. And I hid from everybody. Especially Benny… He's the reason you left me, and I tried to stay away from him, thinking maybe that would bring you back… But you didn't come…" A tear slid down her cheek and splashed on her hands. "When we'd fight before, I used to dream about you coming back… But when I was in the park, and in alcoves, and over subway grids, you wouldn't even come in my dreams…" She looked up at the camera. "When… when Maureen and Joanne brought me back here, I thought you were a dream… I should have died… I'm gonna die…"

She pulled her legs up to her chest. "I'm gonna die… And there's so much I still want to do… So much I want to do with you." She let her hand drift absently to her stomach. "I want to have your baby…" she whispered with a slight smile. "I want to grow old with you…" She shook her head at the thoughts that distracted her. "I wish when I'd met you it wasn't over before it could really begin…"

*** 

10/25… "It wasn't supposed ta end like this… It wasn't supposed to end with me having to go on alone…" She was dressed entirely in black, hair pulled back from her face in a top knot. "I found this… I was going through a box of your, of your things in my apartment… I was, I was gonna give this to you for your birthday… Today… But you left me… You had to fucking go and die on me…"

Her voice trailed off into a long, low sob. Her body shook with the tears that had been building up for weeks. Five minutes went by before she could speak again. "I… I loved you so much… I love you more than anything… I need you… I, I can't be alone… I don't know what to do anymore." She wiped at her nose with the back of her sleeve. 

"I don't know what to do with this… It was for you, and you're… You're gone. You're… Dead… You're the only man I've ever… Only person I've ever loved… And I don't think you ever really knew how much you meant…" She stared into her hands, twirling her rings along her fingers. "I always ran away from everything I was afraid of… Everything I needed… Everything… I'm not running away now… I'm not… I know what I gotta do now… I'll see you soon baby… I love you…" she whispered, reaching over the camera and pushing the stop button. The last noise that could be heard was the rewinding of a video as it began to erase…

*Le Fin* 


End file.
